Yes, sometimes you just feel like if you weren't meant to be living. As if your existence was just a universal mistake. It no longer matters what you feel, how you feel nor toward whom you got the feelings for.
Long time since I wrote any of my bullshit, and It seems that it is time for me to write just about anything to feel kind of relieved and calm, also to bring a little bit of balance to the web since I deleted my previous rubbish/blogs. When you keep complicated things inside you, love especially, it can ruin your life... it will mess you up. Because love is no victory march, it's a business of misery, shed tears and heavy hearts while walking upon the remains of your broken dreams.
Speaking of broken things, it happens that I broke my hand last week while punching who used to be one of my good friends. It started with a football match, a physical challenge, some bitching from his part, a low bitchy move, a slap on my face than I just lost my nerves and kept punching. I really never knew I could punch someone that hard and hurt him that bad. Well, he probably deserved it... especially that him and his brother dirty punched me while I wasn't looking. When I remember the incident it's kind of the same fight scene from "The perks of being a wallflower" when Charlie loses it and goes dark side punching a bully. And to be honest, I kind of liked it. And how I weirdly share a lot of aspects of my life with Charlie. That book is maybe my way to find myself through all the mess I'm quietly living inside.
Sometimes I wonder, is there more people like me who suffer in silence? Or am I an exception? Or maybe all people are just like me, they have bigger issues that are keeping them awake and night, pain that is eating them inside... Agony, unbearable agony and broken backs from heavy hearts, shed tears from broken dreams.
The cast on my hand makes it hard for me to write properly, it fucking sucks! But actually tonight is its last night, I'll be heading it tomorrow to my doctor so we can see how my hand is doing. I think that it didn't heal properly since they never corrected the bone... Ugh! I'll be having a defect, that's all I needed... another deduction point, another reason to creep and alienate people, especially... you know who.
It was nice having her name written on my cast, big letter, right in the middle of my palm so I can see it every single moment and think about her. I know that this isn't leading anywhere, it's another way to kill myself softly... being attached to someone who will never love me back the same I love her. Who will never look at me the same way I'm looking at her. Who will never choke-up, get nervous and have butterflies in the stomach when she's talking to me like I do when I'm talking to her. Someone who will never have the pain eased, the smile drawn on the face and the agony forgotten when seeing seeing me like I do when when I'm seeing her. She will never feel like she won the world when I smile like I feel when she smiles, or laugh at my silly, stupid jokes. But you know, what else do I have?! What other options do I have in my possession?!
Too many questions and too little answers... Hell, no answers at all! But again, isn't it the usual dilemma that is life?!
Let me clear things for you, when I fell in love for the first time... I fell in love with a dear and unique friend, I think I fell in love with her the moment I saw her since I remember every detail of our first conversation, I even remember how amazing she looked when I saw her walking to class for the first time. I decided to confront the girl that I loved. To face her and confess. She said that nothing will change, and I couldn't handle the pain and I was depressed for months but kept it hidden from people and especially her. We had our awkward days, our back to friends weeks and our dispute and I'm-no-longer-your-friend months. But we eventually made up and came close again, since we had a special connection... at least what I believe since I've never been so close, connected and attached to someone like I did when I was with her. 3 years after, I've been catfished and teared to pieces... Since I've seen that the girl who catfished me was the only escape for me to forget Assmaa. Well, it wasn't! And weird thing is while I was still manipulated and thinking that I'm actually in a long distance relationship with that sadistic girl, Assmaa was kind of jealous and acted weird. She suddenly wanted me to go out with her and talked to me more, she was even asking me about my relationship and saying how long distance relationships never work... well she was right, but that was weird!
After all, when I finally decided to stop ignoring all the sings and investigate my status which led me to unmask the sick girl who was catfishing me, I felt broken. It was a real bumper, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't wake up... I was drugged, a living-dead, a zombie for months. Depression came along again, and though all this that I realized how much I was still into Assmaa. I am in love with her, no drama, no complications, no mixed feeling, but it's a lost case... How do I know? Because every time I see or think about her and all those feelings gets intense, I wish if only, just only wasn't in love with her... because she'll never love me back.
Trough this journey so far I realize that being hurt is inevitable. I've chosen to vulnerably open up and confess my feelings and I've been rejected and hurt, I've chosen to close all ways and bury my heart deep down so I'll never get hurt but I've been lured and once again hurt, this time even more. So now, I'll decide to silently fight for her, I'll love her from the bottom of my heart and my love will each day grow, I'll do her only good, I'll ease her pain, I'll make her laugh and I'll be there for her once she needs me... But I'll shall never speak until she realizes that I'm the right one for her. Hopefully she will, otherwise... she'll fall for another guy and that is my darkest nightmares. The slightest chances of this happening, just thinking about it makes me realize how destroyed and broken I'll be. That will be the day when I'll disappear from her life once for all... I'll have to go far away seeking healing. Because it will be hard for me to see her in the arms of another one, while my heart is beating for her and my love to her hasn't ever yet found finality.
There's a movie that liked called "Waiting for forever", an amazing love story. Innocent and pure just like the love I carry to my beloved. I remember a quote for that movie that says "Bad love letters beg for love back. Good love letters ask for nothing"
And so shall it be, I'll chose this option... Loving her, and waiting -for- forever. Will I be her man? or will she go to other arms? I don't know and it no longer matters. I'll love her and the rest will never matter any longer!
Long time since I wrote any of my bullshit, and It seems that it is time for me to write just about anything to feel kind of relieved and calm, also to bring a little bit of balance to the web since I deleted my previous rubbish/blogs. When you keep complicated things inside you, love especially, it can ruin your life... it will mess you up. Because love is no victory march, it's a business of misery, shed tears and heavy hearts while walking upon the remains of your broken dreams.
Speaking of broken things, it happens that I broke my hand last week while punching who used to be one of my good friends. It started with a football match, a physical challenge, some bitching from his part, a low bitchy move, a slap on my face than I just lost my nerves and kept punching. I really never knew I could punch someone that hard and hurt him that bad. Well, he probably deserved it... especially that him and his brother dirty punched me while I wasn't looking. When I remember the incident it's kind of the same fight scene from "The perks of being a wallflower" when Charlie loses it and goes dark side punching a bully. And to be honest, I kind of liked it. And how I weirdly share a lot of aspects of my life with Charlie. That book is maybe my way to find myself through all the mess I'm quietly living inside.
Sometimes I wonder, is there more people like me who suffer in silence? Or am I an exception? Or maybe all people are just like me, they have bigger issues that are keeping them awake and night, pain that is eating them inside... Agony, unbearable agony and broken backs from heavy hearts, shed tears from broken dreams.
The cast on my hand makes it hard for me to write properly, it fucking sucks! But actually tonight is its last night, I'll be heading it tomorrow to my doctor so we can see how my hand is doing. I think that it didn't heal properly since they never corrected the bone... Ugh! I'll be having a defect, that's all I needed... another deduction point, another reason to creep and alienate people, especially... you know who.
It was nice having her name written on my cast, big letter, right in the middle of my palm so I can see it every single moment and think about her. I know that this isn't leading anywhere, it's another way to kill myself softly... being attached to someone who will never love me back the same I love her. Who will never look at me the same way I'm looking at her. Who will never choke-up, get nervous and have butterflies in the stomach when she's talking to me like I do when I'm talking to her. Someone who will never have the pain eased, the smile drawn on the face and the agony forgotten when seeing seeing me like I do when when I'm seeing her. She will never feel like she won the world when I smile like I feel when she smiles, or laugh at my silly, stupid jokes. But you know, what else do I have?! What other options do I have in my possession?!
Too many questions and too little answers... Hell, no answers at all! But again, isn't it the usual dilemma that is life?!
Let me clear things for you, when I fell in love for the first time... I fell in love with a dear and unique friend, I think I fell in love with her the moment I saw her since I remember every detail of our first conversation, I even remember how amazing she looked when I saw her walking to class for the first time. I decided to confront the girl that I loved. To face her and confess. She said that nothing will change, and I couldn't handle the pain and I was depressed for months but kept it hidden from people and especially her. We had our awkward days, our back to friends weeks and our dispute and I'm-no-longer-your-friend months. But we eventually made up and came close again, since we had a special connection... at least what I believe since I've never been so close, connected and attached to someone like I did when I was with her. 3 years after, I've been catfished and teared to pieces... Since I've seen that the girl who catfished me was the only escape for me to forget Assmaa. Well, it wasn't! And weird thing is while I was still manipulated and thinking that I'm actually in a long distance relationship with that sadistic girl, Assmaa was kind of jealous and acted weird. She suddenly wanted me to go out with her and talked to me more, she was even asking me about my relationship and saying how long distance relationships never work... well she was right, but that was weird!
After all, when I finally decided to stop ignoring all the sings and investigate my status which led me to unmask the sick girl who was catfishing me, I felt broken. It was a real bumper, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't wake up... I was drugged, a living-dead, a zombie for months. Depression came along again, and though all this that I realized how much I was still into Assmaa. I am in love with her, no drama, no complications, no mixed feeling, but it's a lost case... How do I know? Because every time I see or think about her and all those feelings gets intense, I wish if only, just only wasn't in love with her... because she'll never love me back.
Trough this journey so far I realize that being hurt is inevitable. I've chosen to vulnerably open up and confess my feelings and I've been rejected and hurt, I've chosen to close all ways and bury my heart deep down so I'll never get hurt but I've been lured and once again hurt, this time even more. So now, I'll decide to silently fight for her, I'll love her from the bottom of my heart and my love will each day grow, I'll do her only good, I'll ease her pain, I'll make her laugh and I'll be there for her once she needs me... But I'll shall never speak until she realizes that I'm the right one for her. Hopefully she will, otherwise... she'll fall for another guy and that is my darkest nightmares. The slightest chances of this happening, just thinking about it makes me realize how destroyed and broken I'll be. That will be the day when I'll disappear from her life once for all... I'll have to go far away seeking healing. Because it will be hard for me to see her in the arms of another one, while my heart is beating for her and my love to her hasn't ever yet found finality.
There's a movie that liked called "Waiting for forever", an amazing love story. Innocent and pure just like the love I carry to my beloved. I remember a quote for that movie that says "Bad love letters beg for love back. Good love letters ask for nothing"
And so shall it be, I'll chose this option... Loving her, and waiting -for- forever. Will I be her man? or will she go to other arms? I don't know and it no longer matters. I'll love her and the rest will never matter any longer!
