Sometimes, you no longer matters...

Yes, sometimes you just feel like if you weren't meant to be living. As if your existence was just a universal mistake. It no longer matters what you feel, how you feel nor toward whom you got the feelings for.
Long time since I wrote any of my bullshit, and It seems that it is time for me to write just about anything to feel kind of relieved and calm, also to bring a little bit of balance to the web since I deleted my previous rubbish/blogs. When you keep complicated things inside you, love especially, it can ruin your life... it will mess you up. Because love is no victory march, it's a business of misery, shed tears and heavy hearts while walking upon the remains of your broken dreams.
Speaking of broken things, it happens that I broke my hand last week while punching who used to be one of my good friends. It started with a football match, a physical challenge, some bitching from his part, a low bitchy move, a slap on my face than I just lost my nerves and kept punching. I really never knew I could punch someone that hard and hurt him that bad. Well, he probably deserved it... especially that him and his brother dirty punched me while I wasn't looking. When I remember the incident it's kind of the same fight scene from "The perks of being a wallflower" when Charlie loses it and goes dark side punching a bully. And to be honest, I kind of liked it. And how I weirdly share a lot of aspects of my life with Charlie. That book is maybe my way to find myself through all the mess I'm quietly living inside.
Sometimes I wonder, is there more people like me who suffer in silence? Or am I an exception? Or maybe all people are just like me, they have bigger issues that are keeping them awake and night, pain that is eating them inside... Agony, unbearable agony and broken backs from heavy hearts, shed tears from broken dreams.
The cast on my hand makes it hard for me to write properly, it fucking sucks! But actually tonight is its last night, I'll be heading it tomorrow to my doctor so we can see how my hand is doing. I think that it didn't heal properly since they never corrected the bone... Ugh! I'll be having a defect, that's all I needed... another deduction point, another reason to creep and alienate people, especially... you know who.
It was nice having her name written on my cast, big letter, right in the middle of my palm so I can see it every single moment and think about her. I know that this isn't leading anywhere, it's another way to kill myself softly... being attached to someone who will never love me back the same I love her. Who will never look at me the same way I'm looking at her. Who will never choke-up, get nervous and have butterflies in the stomach when she's talking to me like I do when I'm talking to her. Someone who will never have the pain eased, the smile drawn on the face and the agony forgotten when seeing seeing me like I do when when I'm seeing her. She will never feel like she won the world when I smile like I feel when she smiles, or laugh at my silly, stupid jokes. But you know, what else do I have?! What other options do I have in my possession?!
Too many questions and too little answers... Hell, no answers at all! But again, isn't it the usual dilemma that is life?!
Let me clear things for you, when I fell in love for the first time... I fell in love with a dear and unique friend, I think I fell in love with her the moment I saw her since I remember every detail of our first conversation, I even remember how amazing she looked when I saw her walking to class for the first time. I decided to confront the girl that I loved. To face her and confess. She said that nothing will change, and I couldn't handle the pain and I was depressed for months but kept it hidden from people and especially her. We had our awkward days, our back to friends weeks and our dispute and I'm-no-longer-your-friend months. But we eventually made up and came close again, since we had a special connection... at least what I believe since I've never been so close, connected and attached to someone like I did when I was with her. 3 years after, I've been catfished and teared to pieces... Since I've seen that the girl who catfished me was the only escape for me to forget Assmaa. Well, it wasn't! And weird thing is while I was still manipulated and thinking that I'm actually in a long distance relationship with that sadistic girl, Assmaa was kind of jealous and acted weird. She suddenly wanted me to go out with her and talked to me more, she was even asking me about my relationship and saying how long distance relationships never work... well she was right, but that was weird!
After all, when I finally decided to stop ignoring all the sings and investigate my status which led me to unmask the sick girl who was catfishing me, I felt broken. It was a real bumper, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't wake up... I was drugged, a living-dead, a zombie for months. Depression came along again, and though all this that I realized how much I was still into Assmaa. I am in love with her, no drama, no complications, no mixed feeling, but it's a lost case... How do I know? Because every time I see or think about her and all those feelings gets intense, I wish if only, just only wasn't in love with her... because she'll never love me back.
Trough this journey so far I realize that being hurt is inevitable. I've chosen to vulnerably open up and confess my feelings and I've been rejected and hurt, I've chosen to close all ways and bury my heart deep down so I'll never get hurt but I've been lured and once again hurt, this time even more. So now, I'll decide to silently fight for her, I'll love her from the bottom of my heart and my love will each day grow, I'll do her only good, I'll ease her pain, I'll make her laugh and I'll be there for her once she needs me... But I'll shall never speak until she realizes that I'm the right one for her. Hopefully she will, otherwise... she'll fall for another guy and that is my darkest nightmares. The slightest chances of this happening, just thinking about it makes me realize how destroyed and broken I'll be. That will be the day when I'll disappear from her life once for all... I'll have to go far away seeking healing. Because it will be hard for me to see her in the arms of another one, while my heart is beating for her and my love to her hasn't ever yet found finality.
There's a movie that liked called "Waiting for forever", an amazing love story. Innocent and pure just like the love I carry to my beloved. I remember a quote for that movie that says "Bad love letters beg for love back. Good love letters ask for nothing"
And so shall it be, I'll chose this option... Loving her, and waiting -for- forever. Will I be her man? or will she go to other arms? I don't know and it no longer matters. I'll love her and the rest will never matter any longer!

That kid...

As I first opened my blog to write something new, I was feeling happy... Then running into old rough copies made me remember how hurt I was few months ago, the scares are still there and I'm not fully recovered yet. Every day, I'm learning new things about myself. I developed a pleasure of writing and expressing myself even if it looks like as whining and rubbish most of the time. But still, it makes me feel better thou.

I was chatting to my crush few minutes ago through Facebook, and it amazes me how delicate I can be. The simplest conversations can make me feel better, make me feel alright and healed, it can make me feel sober, alive and makes me forget the agony and depression that I silently drown-in, no shouts, no screams, no help either. But the slightest things can make me feel hurt or upset for the least of it, just when she sees my messages and take time to respond, I feel like nothing. But then my brain tells me that I'm losing all sense or reason each time I'm feeling this way, the problem would be to actually buy it and start thinking through the same optic. The thing is, I know that I'm sensitive, a thing that makes me feel weak.

Don't let them fool you, no crush would ever have a good thought about it, it won't make you adorably wanted... No! you'll be a teddy-bear, a shoulder to lean on but never a heart to love. Screw it!

A lot of things changed in me during my growth. As a kid I hated love songs, I loved electric guitars when hitting those strings and singing about freedom, strength and power. I Loved science, guns and weapons, I was a dreamer but an achiever... Now, I'm more of a lean person, more of a soft Beatles song, peace and love guy, still love science a dreamer but a lazy underachiever.
I lost a lot of my confidence. And just if the universe conspired to make me more miserable, hits keeps on coming. I've developed a way of thinking good and only good out of people, but I've learned the hard way that it's a wrong way to think despite the nobleness of the idea and how perfectly pleased it makes me feel... Have you ever been Catfished, well I was, and it hurts like a bitch! Wait, an idea has just came to my mind. As I was going to start writing about how I ended up with the demon's child I wondered if it would be right to assume that my lack of romantic relationships is a cause to make me feel so meaningless, so vulnerable and blindly trustful. Would it be the real cause of my obsessions with having someone to care about me? and having these obsessions is the cause of my demolition and breakdown...? Let's see this on a totally whole view and let's get back to my first crush... I barely remember her face and..; Okey I lied I do remember her face but in a weird way. I think she wouldn't really fit in this list but I'll talk about her anyway.
I was 8 and I was new in that school. 2nd grade was alright, but Zakia was gorgeous... well, that's the way I'd describe her if I was till 8, no pervy thoughts for god's sake! Anyway, she used to have short hair, she smelled heavenly, we used to talk a lot and I knew that I liked her but never talked to her... Weird, why would I even think about talking to her about it? I was 8, so why would I make such a big deal about it, I'm so twisted... But then, if we were in a different culture I bet that having feelings toward someone else and expressing them wouldn't be so traumatizing and complex, it would be seen as a normal natural thing, Kids are people, and people have feelings you know. In the end, letting her go wasn't any hard. It felt painless, I haven't experienced love yet that's for sure!
Next stop, when I've became 10... There she was Meriam, she was perfect: beautiful, intelligent, fun... all great! we used to be the top two students and we had a great chemistry together, and believe me... I used to have dreams about growing up becoming rich, marrying her and hang out in my red F50 Ferrari. Boy I was totally out of my mind! Again, I just forgot about her and I was really thinking it wasn't a big deal and that I must be more focus about being a good student, a great son and just be a kid who finds the fun in life, I mean leave the complexes to later "dude".
And then it stroke me hard, when I was 15, I can't believe I took theater classes, acted in plays, danced and sang just to spend more time with that girl. Youssra, and she was great to me during those times. I've even took theater classes and I was engaged into extracurricular activities just to have more time talking to her, but of course I've never been able to man-up and tell her how I felt for her. Then again, my nerdy look and behavior wasn't playing for me either so the case was pending and had to be left alone too, until one day when I saw her during high-school's freshman year and I couldn't wait no more so I told her everything... not to her face of course, I was way too shy and scared to tell her directly so I talked to her that night via messenger. And the result was rejection of course! She was coming up with all sorts of excuses to clear her way through her rejection toward my platonic revelation and proposal of a relationship. I was kind of sad but heck it wasn't that bad either, I actually was cool with it, really. The worse was to come, later I knew she told her friends about my whole crush on her. I felt like an idiot, but I overcame that quickly too.
Then there comes the last year of high-school, the year that plays a major role on determining your path through the future... it's Graduation year. I must say it was a unique year. But I'll just talk for now about Asmaa. It was during our first math class, I was bored by the annoying bossy arrogant teacher who was lecturing us since the start, snob-talking as if she was nominated for a Nobel prize. And between all that, the clutter and the stray ideas of my head, there she was, walking through the doors her hair was flowing and I was mesmerized by her beauty. I really lost all senses of my existence, and the existence of the universe for a couple of seconds until she settled down and took her place. I peeked once and a while, took times to look at her while she was engaged into conversations with her friend, when she was smiling or while she was walking in the halls and interacting with others of her old fellows. It went like this for a couple of days or a week or maybe two. Until one Friday afternoon during the Philosophy class and while she was chitchatting with her friend, our strict teacher made a remark about her lack of attention and reassigned her places to sit; and in the name of everything that's holy she was setting in the next table at my right! Of course Mr Sour wouldn't let it go easily, he had to make her suffer as a process of his attempt to put one in the hot seat so one would never go on the wrong direction ever again. I thought she answered quit well, or am I taking side? But anyway, Mr Sour wouldn't let her win, so he concluded with a mockery. Again, I couldn't talk to her, all I could do is steal few random seconds to peek at her, and god she was beautiful. For my defense, she looked back once and a while. After the Philosophy courses, there was the lame Math course where boredom struck me again. Don't get me wrong I'm good at math, well,  I used to be good at math. I'm just inpatient to the whole process of learning. Yes, I'm weird get over it!
Anyhow, I've waited until the end of the course and while we were going downstairs I noticed she was in-front of me,I was scared but I've gathered every ounce of confidence in me, I went closer to her and stated a comment about the Mr Sour incident "That was funny, but I think you were right despite all... " or something like that, and she turned to face me quickly at that moment, she took me by my arm while we were going down and as if she was holding everything up waiting someone to talk to about it. "Did you see what happened? I don't understand what is wrong with him..." her contribution to the conversation was far longer than what I remember. That is due to the fact that I was drowning in her perfectly brow shimmering and hooded eyes... And it was the start of every sparkle I felt that year!
 We were hanging out between classes, sharing jokes during them, acting funny during gym class, walking home together, spending hours and hours on Facebook. And I was happy! See, Asmaa wasn't like others, she might never refer to herself as an intelligent or too humorous, but for me she had it all. She was clever, she was funny, she was trustful, she was beautiful and comforting, we played online games together, she knew things about sports and football we were borrowing DVDs from each other, Well actually I was the one who brought her some and she loved them. She was perfect for me! I really loved her and loved spending time with her. See, the thing is.. I've never had a crush on Asmaa, I actually loved! My heart went straight to the moon when I saw her. She was the first person whom I fell in love with. Gosh, even our whole class were thinking that we were together. Until one day, the day when I decided to tell her about everything, can you guess how it went? if you're guessing that it went completely 'testicular' on me you're guessing right.